Paul Soglin: Waxing America

Best. Prank. Ever.

You might have seen news coverage of one of the pranks from the Improv Everywhere group, which calls their events "missions" and their participants "agents."  They are best known for having 200 "agents" freeze in place for five minutes in rush-hour Grand Central Station in New York, although their annual "No Pants! Subway Ride" drew 2000 people to ride pantsless in 10 cities, with 900 in New York alone. Of course, there is video.

They've outdone themselves recently, with agents turning a normal Hermosa Beach, California Little League baseball game in progress into an major-league level extravaganza, complete with Goodyear blimp, peanut vendors, and autograph-seeking fans.  The joy of watching the surprised kids and parents at the Best Game Ever has made me an Improv Everywhere fan for life.

Why is there not a chapter of this wonderful madness in Madison?

-Barry Orton

A Plague on the House that Ruth Built

The Report To The Commissioner of Baseball of an Independent Investigation Into The Illegal Use of Steroids and Other Performance Enhancing Substances by Players in Major League Baseball is available for your reading pleasure.  After a while it becomes repetitious and it repeats itself as the title might suggest.

It is clear that this kind of shenanigans could not go on without the complicity of everyone associated with the game - owners, managers, general managers, players, and, of course, the press that covered the sport.

Screw all of them.

If a single one of the accused players ever ends up in the Hall of Fame, they should step aside and defer to the induction of a player worthy of recognition, Shoeless Joe Jackson.

I take comfort that some of the most notable and biggest, in terms of abuse, salary, and girth, of the named players were New York Yankees.

Why We're Rooting for the Rockies

Judie Kleinmaier has found good reasons to root for the Rockies:

...now that the Milwaukee Brewers are out of it, and my husband's Chicago White Sox are long gone from the race, there was no team with a particular pull on me. That is, until I heard that the Rockies had voted a full share of playoff earnings to the family of a Rockies minor league coach killed in July by a line drive.

Mike Coolbaugh was coaching first base for the Tulsa Drillers, the Rockies' Double-A affiliate, when he was hit in the head July 22 by the line drive and died. He is survived by his wife, Amanda, and two sons, 5-year-old Joseph and 3-year-old Jacob....

A couple of days ago, I heard that the Rockies players had decided to help the family by voting them a full playoff share -- which could top $360,000 if the team wins the Series....

Not that I needed it, but another reason to root for the Rockies is that they are the only one of the last four teams -- Colorado, Arizona, the Boston Red Sox and the Cleveland Indians -- that has never made it to the World Series...

Go, Rockies.

- Barry Orton

Badgers and ESPN, Bears, Packers and Yankees

Wisconsin Badgers: The bookmakers knew what they were doing when they made Illinois a 2 1/2 point favorite. Hopefully, this is the low point in Bucky's season. ESPN hates its fan base. They cut back to the studio every other play, making the broadcasters irrelevant and breaking up the continuity of the game. There is some value to the chatter, when intelligent, that takes place between plays. ESPN has no interest in presenting a game. Clearly the needs of fantasy team owners are more important than a meaningful broadcast.

Bears and Packers. This was probably the only Packers game I will watch this season. Obviously I enjoyed it. I came to Wisconsin in 1962 and had to put up with Packers fans ever since. Bless every one of them.

Yankees. Steinbrenner says if Cleveland topples the Yankees, Joe Torre gets the ax. I have nothing against Joe Torre, but now I have one more reason to hope the Yankees lose. Nothing would be finer that to see Steinbrenner in a snit and the Yankees in off-season chaos. I love baseball, I hate the owners, and a lot of the players. It is a great game.

Cubs' Season Ends

A. Bartlett Giamatti:

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then just when the days are all twilight, when you need it most, it stops.

- Barry Orton

Midges at Cleveland Indian -Yankee Game: No Night Baseball

Because you needed to know why the insects were at Jacobs Field:

During peak emergence, large numbers of midges fly into residential and industrial areas causing annoyance and damage. They are attracted to lights at night and thousands will rest on the outside of buildings and will enter homes through the slightest crack. They fly into people's eyes, ears and mouths and are sometimes inhaled. Everything is contaminated by midges

From the entomologists at Ohio State University: Midges and Crane Flies

Most occur in huge swarms or small compact mating swarms, and a "humming" can be heard over a considerable distance. After sunset, adults become active and fly to night-lights, entering structures through the slightest of openings. Piles of eight to twelve inches of dead midges may accumulate in unwanted places. A stench similar to dead fish may be observed. There are also biting midges, which are very tiny insects (sometimes called "no-see-ums"), that suck blood from humans, mammals, reptiles, and other insects. Bites can cause itching and, in sensitive individuals, welts and lesions that can persist for several days.

From Alameda County:

...emerging in large numbers in areas of the county that are near channels, creeks and large bodies of water. These insects pose no threat to pets or people and are an important part of the food chain for local and migratory waterfowl. These insects are highly attracted to lights and "Bug Zappers". Minimizing the use of outside lights will help to reduce their presence near your home.  

Obviously God never meant for baseball to be played under the lights.

The More Satisfying Yankee Loss to the Indians

Last night's insect-plagued loss by the New York Yankees to the Cleveland Indians gave me time to reflect on how I prefer my Yankee losses.

Like most fans, I enjoy a crisp solid victory in a well played game. Such was the case on Thursday when the Indians solidly smacked the Bronx Bombers 12-3 with timely hitting and good pitching.

Friday's game, an Indian 2-1 victory in eleven innings was less than a boastful triumph, though both Andy Pettite of the Yankees and Carmona turned in excellent performances.

From the standpoint of fond memories, this was less than stellar. The Indians stranded 14 runners. It seemed that almost every inning they left a runner in scoring position with less than two outs. And of course the two runs they did score were something out of the play book from the 1959 Chicago White Sox.

The tying run was a product of Grady Sizemore walking and eventually scoring on a wild pitch.

The only offense that could be called graceful and impressive by either team was the Indians demonstrating that the bunting is no longer a lost art.

The Indians scrambled to score the winning run in the 11th on the only solid offensive display after the insects descended, a solid hit by Travis Hafner.

From the vantage point of a Yankee fan, I imagine that the first loss was understandable. Their team was outplayed. The second loss was unbearable. They wasted a solid pitching performance by Pettite; the Indian's runs were the product of silly misadventures, and the insects undoubtedly contributed to the undoing of relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain.

As a baseball fan I enjoyed game one more. As a Yankee hater I preferred game two. It must be the slow torture, the tantalizing grasp of victory, only to be infested by midges, a relative of the mosquito. No matter how their fans agonized over the two different ways to lose a ball game, I enjoyed both.

Cubs Win; Brewers Lose

Final Waxing America reader poll had Cubs @ 36.8% and Brewers @ 36.0%, proving the accuracy of online polling once again.

- Barry Orton

Brewers' Unrequited Love For Umpires

The Wisconsin State Journal has splurged most of this year's travel budget to send Vic Feuerherd on the road to cover what became the Milwaukee Brewers' slide out of contention. As a result, Feuerherd was there for Sunday's meltdown in Atlanta that resulted in a 7-4 loss and manager Ned Yost's ejection over arguing a play at the plate.

Today Feuerherd provides a sidebar that sheds some light on last night's multiple Brewers-umpires confrontations, in which Yost, batting coach Jim Skaalen, and catcher Damian Miller all got tossed.

Yost didn't want to rehash Sunday's events.

But he spoke about how he has tried in five years as manager of the Brewers to promote relationships between his players and the umpires. The team puts pictures of that night 's four umpires on a bulletin board in the clubhouse and the arrangement includes biographical information and what base they are covering.

"We try to treat people like people, with class and professionalism,' ' Yost said. "All we ask is that (the umpires) have the same respect for us."

So, despite the bulletin board love complete with photos and cutout pink hearts, the email requests for dates, and the Myspace messages, the umpires haven't reciprocated. That's how it always is: the nice guys who treat the objects of their affection with class get shot down, while the bad boys with three days of stubble get all the girls.

- Barry Orton

Finally: An Online Poll That Really Matters

The guy that bought the baseball that Barry Bonds hit to break Hank Aaron's home run record is asking us what to do with it. There are three choices:

• Bestow it to the Hall of Fame.
• Brand it with an asterisk, then send it to the Hall.
• Banish it to space on a rocket.

Brilliant piece of promotion.

- Barry Orton